Commencement

Speaking of moving on....

I work at a university. On Sunday, approximately 200 engineers and computer scientists will receive their baccalaureate degrees on stage. The students have worked very hard to get to this point. We, the staff, have toiled diligently to prepare for this momentous occasion.

And I'm feeling melancholy.

I've known some of these students for three years; others I don't know at all. But they're all kind of my students. Ok, I'm not an advisor, not a professor, not a mom. I get that. But I still feel like they're mine.
I've seen them in their various incarnations over the years. Some of them have come in sobbing from failed exams. Some have come flying in on electric wings, caught up in whatever exciting thing in which they're involved. Others have simply said hello as they passed my desk.

This weekend they will all be smiling and exultant in their black caps and gowns and orange engineering stoles.

Part of my job is to get them lined them up by degree, in alphabetical order, in the mezzanine, and then march them down the stairs at the appointed time, to the spot where they will begin their procession into the theater, where they will receive their diplomas. Lining them up will keep my hands and mind occupied right up to the last minute. But when we get to the procession spot, and I have nothing left to do, I will break down and cry. I've done it for two years and I expect to do it again this year.

What is it about endings? Why do they so often make me feel blue?

In the case of Commencement, it's a happy time. Students who've busted their behinds to get the grades for four years are now reaping their rewards. I shouldn't feel bad. It's not like these students hung out with me or came over for dinner or helped me through a hard time. Yet I'm sad.

I think the question of why endings make me sad is not going to be solved in one blog post. In a short time I've experienced two major milestones that made me sad, and though they are different, they've one thing in common.... the people are leaving me. That much, I understand. So, people leaving makes me sad. Now I have to figure out what that taps into.

Ok, time to head 'em up and move 'em out. Big weekend ahead. Take care everyone!

Not So Far Away After All

So, it's been a week since my last post.

In that week I've been down and out with a cold for most of the time, and have had lots of time to ruminate and postulate and think on all sorts of things.

My pastor buddy's been gone just over a week. I've been following his blog. He seems to be settling in to his new digs just fine. Well, almost. He brought some illness over there with him. I think he caught it from the same person from whom I caught mine. Oh, and he threw his back out. But other than that, he's having a good time.

I just made it sound like he's having a horrible time! He's not. He just needs to get through this initial difficulty. He said that he feels like he's home. And I miss him.

I find that being able to follow his blog and Facebook page ease the pain greatly. It's like he's not out of my life at all; I just can't physically be near him. That's ok. I find that I want him to be happy more than anything, and he is happy. So, that's good enough for me. Oh, I will continue to miss him, no doubt... but, he's not so far away after all.

Should I Or Shouldn't I?

As I suspected.... I woke up today feeling even better and more rested than yesterday. The weekend was somewhat traumatic, and it took a while for me to recover.

My friend, my former pastor, having just retired from and left his church home of 12 years, is keeping a blog about this next phase of his life, his ministry in Eastern Europe. He posted the 2nd blog entry yesterday, and I just read it this morning. He mentioned the six women (me included) who went to the airport to see him off. He seemed pleased. Then he talked about the flight and other things. And I commented on the blog.

Was that wrong?

As a person who has to learn to let go, I wonder if it was wise to leave a comment. I did keep it short and lighthearted. But, should I not have said anything? I noticed that others from the church have commented on his facebook page. I wonder if we should just be giving him time and space instead of prolonging his goodbye by leaving comments.

I imagine how he must be feeling. Although he's on a new journey, he has to be feeling sad about leaving so many friends behind. And he's alone. Well, not really.... he has his European friends, but no one from his American life is with him. He does get to stay in touch with American family and friends who are not in our congregation, but not with any of us church people. And us congregants have each other to grieve with and support. He is likely grieving alone. I can't help but wonder if we are prolonging the process for him by leaving him comments, or if instead he appreciates it.

Ugh. I can feel it welling up in my throat ... a lump, and a tear fighting to surface. I force them down. Not now, not today. I want to be happy today. Focused on my work. Lighthearted. (Wait, can one be lighthearted AND focused on work?) Relaxed.

Today I see my oncologist for a check-up. Last summer I had ovarian and uterine cancer and a hysterectomy successfully cured me of both. But I must check in periodically with the good doc. So I only have 2/3 of the day to get things done at work. So I really need to be productive. And tears don't help that at all. So after finishing this blog entry, it's back to work.

Tonight is Bible study. The first one without the good reverend. Our associate pastor and a couple other people are doing it now. I hope for a good meeting and no sadness. Will let you all know tomorrow how it went. Cheers!

Godspeed, friend

It's over. And I'm ok.

Today I had the privilege of seeing my newly-retired friend off at the airport, as he travels to other parts of the world. I hadn't planned to go to the airport; the opportunity just sort of came up. I excitedly emailed the organizer that I would be there to send our friend off in style.

After which, I thought to myself, "Well geez, what if you can't hold it together? How's that going to make him (the friend who is leaving) feel? You need to get it together fast, girlfriend."

So, I went home yesterday, had a light dinner, and went to bed early in hopes of a calm, peaceful tomorrow.

And today did start out better. I woke up in a better place. I went to work early and got some work done. I drank some coffee. I made some signs to hold up when my friend arrived at the airport.

Then I left for the airport, monitoring myself for any signs of weepiness or "freaking-outedness." Nope, nothing yet. Calm, cool and collected, as I'd hoped.

I arrived at the airport terminal and ran into five other friends who were there for the same reason. We were all in good spirits, as far as I could tell. But they were probably feeling the same way I was and were all probably struggling to keep their own emotions in check.

My traveling friend was late. Ok, maybe not late. Maybe just not as early as we, the anally-retentive ones, would have liked. But he got there in time.

Someone said, "Here he comes," and I had to run another emotional checklist on myself.

Uh-oh... there it was. Just on the edge of my feelings. A possible tear.  Oh no! Breathe. Hold it back. I quickly regrouped. Breathe again. Sigh. Whew! There, good as new.

We held up our signs, he smiled, and hugged each of us in turn. I feared I would break out in sobs when he came to me. But it didn't happen. I simply smiled and hugged him back. He thanked us all for being there to see him off.

Our time together was brief, just a few moments long, then he was on his way. And that was that. He went to the security checkpoint and we went out the door. (Ok, I went out the wrong door... but that has more to do with my cluelessness than my emotions.) I got into my car and returned to work.

The emotions are still in check. Sometimes all you need is a good night's sleep for some fresh perspective.

Oh, I'm certain I will cry again in the future when I am really missing him. But for today, I am managing to hold it in and put on a happy face. And tomorrow is a new day. And I will be ok.

Why?

It hurts so bad, God... why? 

That's the question I asked myself. Why must transitions and life changes so often hurt so very badly? 

Well, I didn't get an immediate answer... but one did eventually come to me. 

The change in question was the retirement of a very good friend and his moving on from his position as our pastor. Tomorrow be boards a plane bound for NY City, with Ukraine as the ultimate destination. He's looking forward to it. I'm becoming resigned to it. In his last message to us, he said that the painful goodbye was the dues he had to pay for the privilege of having been associated with our congregation for so many wonderful years.

So, that's it. I'm now paying the dues for the privilege of having had such a wonderful friend. Ok. I get that. Paying dues... well, we pay a lot of dues over the course of a lifetime. I grudgingly accept that this may be one of those times. The pain... well, it just has to be dealt with somehow, until it gradually fades from a full-blown heartache to a dull twinge and eventually a fond, painless memory.

So..... the purpose of this blog. I need a place where I can write about various transitions, what kind of changes they bring to my head and heart, and hopefully come to better understand the reasons for them and learn ways to come to terms with them. 

In this blog, I'll take a look at anything that qualifies as a life transition. I'm also going through another transition of sorts, a diet and exercise regimen, in the hopes of becoming a more manageable size and shape. Discussions on that topic can be read on my other blog, "Thick and Tired of it" (http://thickntiredofit.blogspot.com). But any other transitions are fair game.

So... life changes. Transitions. Moving on. Fasten your seat belts, folks... it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Who's game?